Surviving Opposite Personalities in Marriage
Aug 12, 2025
www.CrossCulturalVoices.org
Natalia Siruk: I think the struggle comes when you try to change your partner into someone that they're not. Imagine Oleg trying to change me, of not having friends or not going on brunches. That's not gonna happen, because that's just me. I love people. I love going out. I love talking with people.
And I think just the fact that we both understand that we cannot change our personalities, but ask God how we supposed to love our partner and respect our partner, I think that's big.
Maria Makhnach: Hi guys. Welcome to Cross-Cultural Voices, and this is Maria.
John Yoder: I'm John.
Robin Karkafi: I'm Robin. So thanks for joining us today.
John Yoder: We are gonna have an interview with a couple whose personalities are completely opposite. Maria, Robin, to get to know you a little bit, I'm gonna toss to you a very quick personality quiz. I'm gonna start with you, Robin. Do you more recharge your batteries when you are alone, or when you are with people?
Robin Karkafi: My social batteries, I feel like when I'm alone. But I have another battery where, it’s just wanting to be with people and talking with them. It's a different kind of social battery that charges back up when I'm with people.
John Yoder: So you are a real Energizer bunny. How about you, Maria?
Maria Makhnach: I'm actually both as well, but I would say naturally I am more on with people.
Robin Karkafi: What about you, John?
John Yoder: I charge my batteries by spending time alone. When I'm with people, I enjoy it. I'm fully engaged. But just like an iPhone, you can see that battery level dropping. I need sooner or later to pull out and be alone so I can recharge.
So that's a little bit about us. And now let's listen into the first part of the interview with Oleg and Natalia.
Oleg Siruk: Yeah, I think we always say that we definitely bring a balance to each other's lives.
Natalia Siruk: Yes, that's for sure. I think that's something that we both have completely different. 'cause his culture is more about being reserved and not open right away and welcome. And my culture is all about welcoming people. It's like hugging, and kissing on the cheek, and welcoming everybody, it doesn't matter who. And I think that was at the beginning for me, was like trying to say hi to everybody, hugging everybody, and understanding that was not my culture. So for me it was that. But I think for him, it's the great balance because now he's more friendly.
Oleg Siruk: I was friendly, very quiet, but now by my family, I go in and every time I go out around my family, I'm hugging everyone and everyone's like hugging everyone.
Natalia Siruk: So yeah, I think it's just perfect 'cause it brings me balance and it gives him balance too.
John Yoder: So what do you think, have you experienced cultures that are very different in terms of their warmth and closeness?
Maria Makhnach: I have. The last four years, one of my friends, she's Ecuadorian. That was one of the things I was shocked as I started meeting more Hispanics, how welcoming they are. You walk in, they don't know me. It's right away. Natalia said, kiss on the cheek, they invite you over to their house. It's like you have known each other for years.
That was shocking to me because Oleg like Natalia said, we don't do that. Like we're friendly in my culture, but at the same time we're friendly with the people that we know. We don't necessarily go and ask, Hey, how are you doing? And what's going on? To a person we just met.
Robin Karkafi: I totally agree. With Lebanese culture it's similar, but if you're a friend of a friend's, or a distant family member, you're automatically like, super close. There's definitely a social openness to the random people you meet and just starting up conversations with different kinds of people.
But in Canada, I feel like there's always, like our neighbors, we just moved here recently, and our neighbors just all are like coming just knocking on our door, “Hey, like, how are you? Nice to meet you”. Just super friendly, super welcoming. I guess it'd be the same with a lot of cultures in the world, once you're part of the family you're part of the family.
John Yoder: I am more like Oleg, the more quiet and reserved. Where Sherry and I served in China, it was much more that way as well, that people are more quiet, soft spoken, demure, better one-on-one than in a large group of people.
Natalia is an extrovert going into a church of introverts, and that's one thing for her. If it was flipped and if it was Oleg going into a Latino church, he might find that overwhelming. I go to African and to Latino churches where people are just what Natalia described--they're huggy, they're physically close, and all of that.
And if you go into that like myself as an introvert, that can be overwhelming. And what people like Oleg need to do if they're part of that family or that church, is to honor that, embrace that extroversion as part of what God created, but then realize they need to pull out and be in their quiet little bubble to recharge from being in a setting like that.
Alright, let's listen to part two.
What's something that surprised you after you got married?
Natalia Siruk: I think for me, that he follows everything that is in the recipe. When he has to cook, he has to follow all the ingredients from the list. I'm more easygoing. If I see something, I just replace it with something else, but he has to have everything from the list, exactly how it is.
Oleg Siruk: I'm very Slavic in that way, not like my mom. My mom is actually good. She's, yeah, she can cook up a storm with nothing, but whatever ingredient she comes up with in her mind.
Natalia Siruk: Honestly, I don't think we've had anything, if we wanna try to address something larger, I really, I think God gave us wisdom to discuss. We probably overly discuss everything. But we talked lot before marriage. When we were dating, we talk a lot of uncomfortable questions like, what would we do if some of our parents pass away? How are we gonna deal with that? What would you do if you don't trust your partner? Very uncomfortable questions.
And even before the pre-marriage classes, they have a lot of questions that we were like, Oh, wow, I never thought about this question. Yeah, and honestly, I think for me it's the thing that's been the hardest I will say, is just knowing that we bring balance to each other, which means he has to follow the instructions. He has to follow all the instructions.
I might be the one that I read step number one, and then from step number one, I wanna go to step number seven. And I think just knowing that I’m supposed to go step 1, 2, 3, I don't need, why do I have to skip all the way to seven? Just because I don't wanna deal with it.
And knowing that he has to follow 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 for me was a little bit. It brings me patience knowing that, okay, I need to follow steps 1, 2, 3, 4. And I think for him, knowing that sometimes he can skip step number four to go to five, I think that's only the one that I will say we, it's, we kinda have a little bit of struggle.
John Yoder: Are you more of a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, or are you more of a, as long as we get to five, I don't care about two, three, and four.
Robin Karkafi: I feel like I've developed into the step-by-step, methodical, all planned out. I used to just wing everything. But now, like if we were going on a trip, I cannot just write up the itinerary, where we're going, what time we're leaving how long the drive is between spots.
John Yoder: So Maria, are you get to five or do two, three and four really matter to you?
Maria Makhnach: 2, 3, 4 really matter to me. Naturally I think I was more spontaneous, but I think like my culture plus my job have formed that, and I could see that now I'm on the other side of things, and like Robin said, there's a beauty to both.
I think structure taught me that consistency matters to relationships and communication, and it matters if you want to provide longevity to a relationship, whether that's a friendship or a relationship. So that's why I enjoy structure.
But also spontaneity is beautiful in its sense because it brings joy, a sense of adventure to that consistency. Sometimes when you're so consistent, in your faith, like for a while, like when I was walking with the Lord, like I've been taught to read your Bible, go to church. But then it's like after a while it's not like it got boring, but it was just like ugh, okay, this is another thing I have to do. And like my personal prayer with the Lord was like, Lord, I want to experience you in a sense of adventure and that spontaneity.
And it's funny how God then began to teach me that and move me around, right? Gave me a chance to experience different cultures, different friendships, and the more I experienced that sense of adventure, the more I enjoyed and I wanted to discover more.
So consistency and structure gave me an ability to develop a backbone per se. And then the spontaneity aspect of things just opened up and broadened my horizons in regards to my relationship with the Lord.
John Yoder: I agree that being flexible is important. There are times when 2, 3, 4, and 5 matter. When the details matter--one is filling out paperwork for a visa or passport. Another would be purchasing airfare, or doing your tax return. You'd better care about the details.
But there are other things where, especially if we're dealing with relationships with people, or even if we're planning ministry or you're in sales or business, if you think you've got it all lined up, life is messy and we have to be able to deal with the fluid messiness of life.
So in my experience, the healthiest people are those who are able to say, in this situation, we've gotta do the details in order. And in this situation, being fluid and flexible is more important than being detailed.
Let's jump into part three here. Now, as I listen to your story, for some couples, the biggest differences are cultural. You know the difference between a Mexican and a Ukrainian, but as I listen to you, it's more personality. It's who the two of you are as individuals, than the country you come from. Because I'm hearing an introvert with an extrovert, a thinker with a feeler, and a very structured person with a very fluid person. Is that fair?
Oleg Siruk: I think that's pretty fair. I think that's pretty fair.
John Yoder: And in some marriages this causes huge tension, because each person knows that their personality is the right one, and God has called them to change the other person to be like them.
And what would you say to that couple that is just going crazy because their spouse is so logical or organized or emotional or unstructured?
Natalia Siruk: I would say that I always say, and both of us to each other, Hey, first and foremost, I love you. Absolutely. With all my heart. There is in no way, like anything I ever say, sometimes it might come off one way or another, but always I want to do everything to honor you, to show you love and respect. And if I don't, I think we're pretty quick on reeling things in and making sure that we're back to square one, and somebody apologizes and we mend things really quickly.
I think that's one thing we're blessed with is that we realize that about each other. It's you and me against a problem, it's never you against me. It's always me and you against a problem. And I think a big thing is realizing how much we live in a spiritual world where there's always an attack of some sort, and it feels like the attack is from your partner to you or from you to your partner.
And a lot of times, I think God has blessed us, and the ability to figure it out fairly quickly that it's, Hey, it's you and me against the problem. And I think that's the one thing where she shared in the beginning where it was that we made a really strict pact in the beginning that it wasn't your culture. It wasn't my culture. It's not your personality or my personality, it's. What does the Bible say about it?
Oleg Siruk: It's God's foundation. Christ is the mediator in the relationship. There's never a winner when both of us are fighting. It helps us kinda realize pretty early on if we ever disagree on things, it's Hey, we need to cool down really quickly. Never let anything get out of hand. 'cause I love you, I wanna honor you. I want to show you love. And she's, I respect you. I want to honor you as well.
John Yoder: So what would you say to somebody whose spouse is driving them nuts because their personality is so opposite?
Robin Karkafi: I feel like it depends. I was having a conversation with a friend a few nights ago. He's having some trouble with his wife. And I love what Oleg said. He said, everything I say and do is out of love. And that should be the foundation of our communication, our just keeping that in mind, I think like subsidizes or solves 90% of the issues that people understand.
In communication, just keep in mind that the other person, there's a responsibility on each of one of us to say things and communicate things properly. Even if I've already established with people in my life, Hey, listen, everything I say, even if I've established that everything that comes outta my mouth is out of love. I have a responsibility to, to say things properly. I can't just say whatever I want and expect people to just take it the right way.
John Yoder: Maria, what thoughts do you have?
Maria Makhnach: I agree with everything Robin said. I like those thoughts. They're amazing. I think, if we're talking about like practical things just far as how do you make being opposite personalities?
If you're not good at communication, a good place to start, let's say you're polar opposites self-awareness, growing your self-awareness. Be quick to admit your faults. It's actually a very healthy conversation. I personally practice, every new person that comes into my life. It's okay, after you build some rapport what am I strong? What are my strengths and what are my weaknesses? And telling the other person what are your weaknesses, gives them perspective and context.
When they do hit the phase of a conflict, with knowing that right now you're probably operating out of one of your weaknesses and giving them context and telling them like, what do you need?
For example, some people are, when they are upset and the situation is heated, they're not the ones to talk out the problem. They need space. So if the other person knows that they, even though it's unnatural to them, they're not gonna pull you to, even if they love and care about you, they're gonna walk away even though they wanna talk about it right there and then.
'Cause in that moment, for the person that needs time to cool off, they need to get their thoughts together. They need to be left alone to process their emotions. And if you keep poking the bear, what's gonna happen is they're gonna do something, not get physical or abusive with you, but they might say and do things they do not mean. So know how to deescalate the situation helps a conflict.
John Yoder: Should we go on to part four?
Natalia Siruk: I think the struggle comes when you try to change your partner into someone that they're not. It's like trying to fight. Imagine him all like trying to change me, of not having friends or not going on brunches. That's not gonna happen because that's just me. I love people. I love going out, I love talking with people. That's just me.
And I think he understood that science, the beginning and like me imagine like trying to change him and be like, I wish he can be more friendly. I think that's not how it works. Because if both of us will be friendly, we're gonna have people over every single day at our house and there is not gonna be peace. And it's not gonna be intimate.
And I think just the fact that we both understand that we cannot change or personalities, but ask God how we supposed to love our partner and respect our partner. I think that's one of the biggest, I think I appreciate. You have no idea the fact that he let me, be myself, friendly, welcoming, not controlling me, not telling me why you are so smiling to everybody or why you're so friendly to everybody. Why are you going to brunches so many times a week?
It's just that God give him that wisdom to understand that's just how I am. And I still love him and I still respect him. I do have some boundaries, of course and limits, but I think vice versa is the same. Me understanding that's how my husband is. He's not super friendly at the beginning with people, but that's just balance in our lives.
And I think when we understand that we cannot change our partner, we have to love our partner just since day one and ask God for wisdom and the Holy Spirit guide us, I think that's life is gonna be easier. And we, yeah, we've been married for less than two years and I ask God every day, What can I do to love my husband and make him feel respect?
Oleg Siruk: When you try to do everything really to honor your partner and love your partner, you end up just molding together in a way, and she starts being a little bit more structured and ordered, and I start being a little bit more flexible. Flexible, yes. Flexible on things.
I like being on time to places. I like if I say, we're gonna be doing this at this time, or going here or there, I like a plan and whatnot. And when we go on vacations, one vacation's different from other one vacation. I'll plan everything. I'll use ChatGPT, I'll have everything on spreadsheets. And some vacations we'll just go from here to there, and take it easy.
Natalia Siruk: Yes, we just went to Mexico a month ago and before we were leaving, every day for a few weeks, he asked me what was the itinerary, what was the schedule for a trip? And I was like, baby, I don't know. We’re still gonna go with the flow. And that's what we did.
And I think at the beginning, he was very anxious, because he wants to know what's the itinerary, what's the schedule looks like. But I was like, baby, we are going with family. We're gonna go visit my family. We're gonna go to my hometown. I don't wanna have a schedule. I just wanna go with the flow, if we're gonna go dinner.
Because the thing is that I know if we plan, if we say this is what we are gonna do, that's what's gonna happen. And I don't wanna have an argument that I wanna change the whole itinerary. So that's why I was like, Nope, we’re not having anything. And I think he struggled a little bit, but now he was like, okay, which is going with the flow, and that's what happened.
And I think he's a little more loose now, and is bringing balance because now I also have some kind of structure in my life too. So it's just perfect.
Maria Makhnach: I like Natalia's last comment. You know that she said like with their last trip to Mexico, she intentionally didn't have a schedule because she just wanted to go with the flow. And I guess to me the beauty of that is that she basically focused on presence versus outcome.
And the fact that they're complete polar opposites, that's the beauty that they bring to the relationship. Oleg, with him being structured and being on time, that's beautiful when in life you have a goal and you need to get to the goal, and you need to plan out a strategy. So efficiency is the benefit of structure.
Spontaneity brings presence. And when you bring both you, what you're creating is a very powerful couple because they are able to be efficient and embrace adventure. They're able to be present, but yet achieve outcome. If all of us, I think, thought that way, our relationships, 95% of our conflicts would not even take place.
Robin Karkafi: I loved hearing Oleg and Natalia’s story. John, what do we have next?
John Yoder: For the next two weeks, we're meeting a couple by the name of Jerrin and Danica. Jerrin grew up in India, came to the United States to get his master's degree. Of the eight people we're interviewing for this series, Danica is the only white American. And so their cultures are very different. Their dating stories are very unique, and I think you're really going to enjoy them.
